Man, I didn't realize how hard it is to get back in the blog game once you leave it all behind. I can't even remember what I've already talked about. Have I talked about my belly button fetish? Oops, I meant belly button phobia. If I wasn't so lazy, I would have my friends to write down a bunch of random topics on small pieces of paper, put them in a bowl, and then I could draw one out. But knowing my luck, the topic would be, "Getting drunk using tampons." Hell no! I would rather talk about Justin Beiber's love child than rambling on about vodka soaked tampons. Wait, I change my mind. Wait, no I don't. Yes, I do. No, I don't. Okay, how about this? We cram a vodka soaked tampon up Justin Beiber's ass. Oh god, what a terrible visual to have bouncing around in my skull. I have a feeling that tonight nightmares will haunt my sleep. If my crazy ramblings have disturbed your perfect world, then please feel free to blame it on my cold. Yep, I have a cold. O tannenbaum! Do you know what America needs most of all this time of year? In my opinion, we need some new cuss words. I mean, come on, let's face it, Black Friday could make a nun give someone the finger. Luckily for America, I am, once again, here to save the day. I've thought long and hard about this crisis, and here is my suggestion. "O Tannenbaum!!!" And if you really want to piss someone off, try this. "Why don't you go tannenbaum yourself you stupid nickelback!!!" Sometimes in life, you feel like a canary in a coalmine. Lately, that is me. Time has been all sorts of crazy fast, which has made this blog appear to be nothing more than an abandoned warehouse. But don't worry, my friends, it will soon be fixed. You see, I have built a top notch time machine. So now all I have to do is go back in time and write a few blog entries. It will be as if the blog was never neglected. Well I would love to stay and jibber jabber, but I have an apocalypse, a birthday, and a Bonnaroo to talk about. One day, hopefully, I will have enough money to hire this guy to be my bodyguard and personal crimefighter. I'm sure he already has a name, but frankly I don't care because when he works for me his name will be Al. Now one of his duties will be to stop people at random and ask them, "May I have a word with you?". Then he'll pull them to the side, and accuse of them of stealing or drug possession or being a Russian spy. From there, he will do a full own body search with rubber gloves and all. Then after he finishes checking their anus for stolen goods and such, he will take their picture and claim that he is going to post it all over town banning the person from basically everywhere they love to shop, eat, and so forth. Man, I wish I had the money to make my dream of tormenting innocent people a reality. Well maybe one day. |
AuthorI'm Jonathan Pierce, and I'm a new generational midget, which means I wasn't a midget for all of my life. Due to all the steroids that are in fast food these days, people seem to be getting taller. Now I'm as tall as your average 6th grader. Thanks McDonald's. Archives
May 2012
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